January 20th, 2006


The primary problem with the lesser equal?

Technology is back on our side. After several botched attempts, somebody from Cablevision put new wiring into our household, so it is far less likely we will lose our telephone or internet service for four days, as had happened here.

My interview comes along very soon. I have never had a fear that it would go wrong. I feel I am a realist, but on this subject some have pondered how optimistic I seem, regarding my visa. I suppose a realists and an optimist could be confused, if the realist does things well enough that they're certain of what's going to happen next.

But with that, my workplace is a blessing, as any fear or nerves that set in about my staying in America are quelled when I have to deal with work. I also have to deal with covering Jamie's shifts (which hasn't been bothersome - it's meant I've done a little more than the average person does in a week) and a broken heater (which hasn't been too bad either - if you keep moving around, you keep warm).

I wish I still had those little pedometers that I got from McDonald's months ago. I'd like to see how much I'm moving around still. Alas, any small technological item is effectively lost as soon as it comes near me. I feel nervous about the idea of using the small mp3 player Mum sent for Christmas as a result.

I am bored with the question of where I'm from, though. I am tired of explaining I lived in London - well, a small city north of it you've never heard of - Enfield - no, you haven't heard of it. I would like to lose the accent a little now, and this is the first time I've thought anything like this. I am starting to feel more isolated for my differences all of a sudden, and wonder how I would do if I lost a defining feature or two. Would I blend in? Would I want to? I do want to stop being told to keep talking because the accent makes the customer swoon in delight, though.

I want to make something fantastic. I'm bored with what I do, and what I am. I could be better, do more. I need a direction still. I always have. The realm of pretty icons only takes one so far, and I lose my creativity in making something different frequently enough to annoy. Other ideas include going back to playing chess, or calligraphy. The latter sounds better because I fear I may be a bad loser, when AI is involved.

I would like to not exist, for one second, to feel how nothingness feels. I wonder how long that second would last to me. I would also like it if laws stopped working for one second. For one second the law of gravity forgets what it's doing and everything gets to float for one happy second, before crashing back down again.

If I could choose one superhero-y power, teleportation would be it. I am amazed at how different I am to say something like this, but: I want to travel more, I want to get away and see old friends and new friends and old things and new things, and also wonder how some kind of super power like this could occur. Where would one be when getting between A and B, in terms of time and space? At least with super strength, you know it's just more strength than could be comprehended. And with invisibility, it's a scenario of something that would be there not being seen. But for teleportation, you're talking about something that was there, and then wasn't, but is somewhere else.

Sometimes the world seems too real. If natural items grow and can heal themselves, what about the whole world itself? If we all stopped driving for one day, what would happen to the world? I think there's a consciousness to things that most people wouldn't put a consciousness to, just like there's energy in things people wouldn't usually assign energy to. So much potential in everything. So little finally utilized. Why could it not be assumed that this entire planet could be a conscious being, just as parts on its surface are conscious, in their own way?

I'm tired of the notion of spending large amounts of money on yourself when you feel bad. It's like going to the supermarket when you're hungry. You'll forget what you need in life, and go for what you want. Of course, this does not apply to the large medical bills I am getting used to when people are ill: in those circumstances, spend all you need to get yourself better. And if they do something wrong, you can always sue.
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