July 19th, 2006

Not now.


It's the chance to enhance Jamie's creative career that drove Jamie and myself to Seattle. Or it's the call of a more independent lifestyle. Or it's the call of 50 cent pints of beer in certain fine establishments.

We are leaving this house for the last time in hours. When I left from England it felt like the right thing, it would allow me to see more and develop who I am. In moving to Tacoma, I think I'm going to develop another layer to myself and understand things a little better past my own perspective. I'll be living with people with strong opinions and taking in a lot of new thoughts. I'm more of the mellow plotting type, listening in and mulling over what's said. I expect I'll have more questions aimed at me now.

I have heard several wonderful people have had wonderful moments in their lives, and I feel bad that I've not commented enough on some very incredible achievements. When I get some free time in Washington state I'll do what I can to remedy that from now on. This last week has been all about meeting people, having finality to this area, and the all-important packing. We've been procrastinating about packing, organising piles for packing, moving the piles for packing, moving the piles for packing, moving the piles for packing, realising we're moving piles around and not packing, and finally (over the last few days) packing like our lives depended on it. There's still remnants of chaos around here. Boxes and spoons and sheets and towels aplenty. Still so many chores to do. We're pulling an all-nighter here. One way to get rid of the notion of fear is to tire ourselves out enough that we've gone way past working on adrenalin. So long as we can remain coherent enough to handle cats.

We have over packed. Too many trinkets we didn't need to pack in cases. More boxes should have been sent. C'est la vie. I took too many pairs of jeans and feel guilty for it now. Could definitely have streamlined what we've taken. Still, this is how it is. We have apparently chosen a ridiculous time to fly - 8 AM out of JFK. This is a busy airport around the city and it's a nightmare to get to. People who I talk to don't ever want to go there, it's such a chaotic place. That freaks me out.

This is the second set of good friends I've left behind - the mob from Chace/Enfield were my first. Jamie's a pro at this, she's moved so much. Still, this is hitting us both very hard. I don't feel it so much as I type, but when Jamie calls me and I get up and I see the suitcases in the other room, ready to go in a few hours, it makes my stomach churn a little.

I think the main reasoning behind this unsettling feeling is that my family were generally opposed enough to traveling here. Seattle's another plane ride on top. I don't know how soon I'll see them. I don't know if I want to go back to England so quickly. I would like to go back and see them as different people, with a different perspective.

I don't think I'm ever going to feel ready for this move. It isn't right just yet. But it will be very soon. Just the last bits of tidying to do. Then we'll be fine. At least, that's how I see it. No need for any more negative energy. Get what feels wrong written up so we've planned for the worst, and then enjoy the flight and know we've got all the aspects of this flight covered.
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