November 15th, 2006

Standard Deviation

It's like when you fake an illness to the doctor, so you can say "Oh, and by the way..."

If reality were to be something tangible, like, say, an ice cream cone, my version of reality would be melting away and dripping onto the floor. And would be mint chocolate chip.

Ideas have been coming to me about how I could empower myself, because maybe now is a good time to do something different and spontaneous or just do something that isn't "me". Most of these ideas are terrible. To prove my point, the best idea I've had is to shave my hair off for charity on eBay; once the highest bidder pays their money to charity, I shave off my hair, which is getting long now and is becoming a bit of a nuisance. It's better than the stupids who tattoo a name across their forehead for a few thousand dollars.

Financially, Jamie and I are slowly losing money every week. For the amount we earn minus the amount we spend on bills/junk/rent, we've got two months before we finally go into the red in our checking account. If one was to consider our credit card debts and was to demand we pay those debts off immediately, we actually would be in the red right now. I've never been in debt before. If I handle this, maybe I will go back to education and become a student. That fear of debt always put me off before now. It'll be interesting to switch from using a debit card to a credit card. If I don't handle this, it might be an exciting new chapter for this journal and its writing style, at least.

Chapter Two: And then Jamie had a Talk with me. The capitalised Talk, yes.

Jamie had a Talk with me around a week ago, which should be more unsettling than it has been, given that it's been looming, but a mixture of naivety and optimism on my part hid things like that away until it was blatantly obvious, and a mixture of time lessening the blow and my stoically reserved writing style hides the emotion that was involved at the time. Even now, I'm not exactly sure what went on and what will follow from all of this. We can't afford not to live together financially or in terms of paperwork for immigration if things work out, so that's not even an issue in the matter. One less thing to worry about. But I don't know what we'll be doing when we move into our very own place. I don't know if that ultimate form of being around each other will be beneficial. I think it will, as there'll be less stress, but only time will tell.

I can see where Jamie's coming from - she's stifled by the limitations this lifestyle has put on her. She's 22 and wanting to live a free, adventurous lifestyle, but by finding me it became a relationship filled with paperwork and obligations and less about fun. I love Jamie for her maturity, but right now the mature lifestyle is destroying her personality, she needs to find herself and the lifestyle she'd have to share to be around me isn't what she needs in the slightest. I find the level of freedom she craves a pretty lonely experience; I decided to take a back seat and remain indoors on most of my days off, to try to save money and cushion the financial blow that we endure. I'm going to change on this issue, because Jamie and I are on different levels right now because of it. Jamie has gotten to enjoy Washington in a different way to me - her job is in Seattle and far enough away that she lives a double life - she works with friends and goofs off there and goes to bars and pubs and all those types of places with them, and sees shows and dances and has fun and is free and happy. She takes the bus home and arrives in Tacoma to the sound of cats crying and bills and the depressing house that still has the faint whiff of cat pee to it. I work, walk back home and sit on a DS or read a book or watch a DVD or come online, because it's cheaper to do, and sleep. I am not really living a life right now because of all the obligations I have to fulfill to remain here.

I handle monotony a lot better than Jamie. She handles living a lot better than me.

Also, when you're in a relationship, you get excluded - there is that preconception that married couples keep themselves to themselves, which was never the case. We were always excited for adventure. Jamie doesn't wear the wedding ring any more, because it doesn't fit comfortably and that little change does get her more attention - it's amazing how people in this area react to seeing a young person married, it's almost standoffish.

Jamie also sees me more as a best friend right now. It was a conversation that was left very open-ended, that things might change with change - this house has sucked a lot of the happiness out of all of us - but I've had friends hear these types of things and the end results weren't what one would call positive. The plan is to get out of this house as soon as possible and move closer to downtown, where the other people in the household have more friends. This part of Tacoma doesn't really have an interesting and diverse bunch of people, past the crazies at the bus stops. I'm not adapting as well to all these little changes, from household to household. It strikes me that since the move from Enfield I've never really started to show off trinkets or put up posters. Is this a sign that I've not felt at 'home' anywhere just yet? I put it down to abject laziness before, but I always say everything happens for a reason. It's karma. It's fate. It's why I remain so mellow. It's arguably why I remain so far out of the loop from most people.
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