August 6th, 2007

Enfieldean

The Two Sides To The Story

I am not who I used to be, but yet am startlingly familiar. When a part of me changes for the better, another part of me I thought I'd changed for the better shows back up again.

Life is full of many chapters and we often find the characters in stories are meant to develop. But what if the story is in stasis, that nothing is continuing further, no matter what changes occur, no matter what we think we're reading, the character is just the same as page one of the story, no realisations for all the tragedies that he went through at the very start of things... the chapter that cannot end.

I am so torn with who I am and all the people I've hurt through some kind of false confidence or even arrogance. I'm letting my public perception lead who I am into situations. I'm playing with my own emotions, other people's emotions... just too many emotions to be given to someone who's having volatile moments when someone actually talks to me about it - and I am hurting people. It's unintentional, but the longer I go without explaining it all and clearing it up, the more I let it be a type of intentional hurt.

I have had a few admirers recently. To those people I say that while I'm like this, I am only going to hurt you, and I can't offer a guarantee I'm going to be in the right frame of mind. For comprehension or conversation, I think I like what I'm changing into and I hit a brick wall and want to take many steps back from everything and reform the picture, return to who I used to be.

Eh. Long day tomorrow. Long day Tuesday. Maybe it'll make more sense then.
Sweet Truth

Putting raw data to raw emotions, part one.

Subtitle: The Resurfacing Flaws Of My Past Begins With Pictures

I want to imagine if I were to look at myself and my journey, I don't think I'm walking the clichéd path of going around in circles. I'm not arriving back at the same place over and over again as the same person.



What I want you to imagine is asimilar to "Ascending and Descending", an Escher lithograph based upon the concept of the Penrose stairs, but I need you to put a monument in the centre for me, meaning we cannot see any of the stairs aside from the side of the building we are on. We cannot see the flaw in the logic of walking up a staircase forever, and unlike Escher's work and unlike reality, and more like the Penrose Stairs, there is no easy way out of this. We can just walk, and enjoy whatever feeling of elevation we want to believe we have as we ascend. Also, unlike Escher's picture, not only am I asking for you to put something in the centre to detract from the intrigue of looking across and seeing the impossibility, I need you to put everything else in the universe around the structure, essentially the most beautiful distractions, the most hideous distractions, but all the distractions in all the worlds in your mind nonetheless. This is a big ask, and we'll all have our own perception of what this is like, but this is where we have to start.

If you're with me, we can begin my journey.

I am walking around this giant building and there is one central door on each side of the building. I am walking around and enjoying the most fantastic view I have ever seen every time I turn a corner. I can see the sun, the stars, the moon, the worlds, the most beautiful natural wonders our minds can attempt to visualise and comprehend but never put into apt enough words, but I'll never see them together from this vantage point, but it's breathtaking enough that I don't know if I could handle it all, and that is enough for me to keep walking around and embrace whatever I find next. They're all around me, all around the block itself, too much to take in on this level, but every time I turn the view gets better and better, more tantalising, more distracting, more immense, making me feel less and less with each step. I sometimes sit and look and study and ponder about what it is I'm looking at, and at that point I realise how unable I am to grasp what I have in front of me. I am truly going nowhere.

Once I get up and moving again I embrace the facet I spent so much time with, I recall with precision the exactitude of what I have tried to comprehend, but with this immensity in my mind, it pushes out the past teachings I had, I lose what I knew. I am flawed, leaning too far in one way or the other, but never perfectly balanced, never content with what I have around me to take that look inwards and see these doors. If I were to open a door and take a look inside, I would see a hollow room, absent of sound but not silent, and a glistening bronze stairwell, spiraling upwards into what looks like forever, but this would not be a lie, unlike the world outside. This would lead me to the top of the structure. I would find my vantage point, I would see it all. I would do all I could to handle it all, and that is all I could ask for of myself.



I don't want to see it all, this is what this means right now. I am content with the wonders in front of me and the distractions around me, content with the flaws I have if I can pretend I don't have them, but I am deserving of a lot more and have no reason to settle in any shape or form. I have to understand who I am better and get past these immaterial yet existential things. If we as beings are perfect, we have to accept that our flaws are perfect. I am not there yet, I am not able to accept that my flaws make me a better person, and so try to hide the flaws away inside me. And that's corrosive shit to have sitting in myself. It's burning me apart and I can feel it, it's venom in me. But as a poison, it weakens me, it makes me accept that this is what I am, skin and bones and fat and muscle, all the parts you can fragment and see, and I can look at myself and feel hurt and isolated and scared. But if I am able to see myself breaking apart, how do I look at myself? What vessel am I using for this discovery?

It is my soul. It is my essence able to take a metaphysical step back from who I am, to accept the fragments as they are and come back in to hold them together as they are meant to be. When I am not detached I don't notice it there, holding everything together. You don't initially accept the canvas, perfectly stretched to its limits, when you stare at the beautiful painting, with moments of genius and glaring imperfections, but everything is honestly portrayed and presented as well as it could have been, with nothing to hide. It is there in black and white and colour, impossible to change, impossible to ignore. All one can do is look and accept this is what one person has viewed as perfection, this is as beautiful an object as is possible to be created with their hands. But the canvas is the most important part of the picture, holding everything together to be as perfect as the maker intended it to be.

This essence is perfect, it is not tainted by the poison that affects the joints and mechanisms inside me. It is too complex to be affected by such a man-made plague, and it is able to spread itself, perfectly stretch itself to its limits, which are limitless, and consume me if I want it to.
  • Current Mood
    introspective, sober
Enfieldean

Putting raw data to raw emotions, part two.

Subtitle: The Resurfacing Flaws Of My Past Begins With Words I Struggle To Live By For No Longer
Alternatively: "How Tangential Can I Go?"; The Wild Stories And Visualisations Of Dean Rivers.

Each side, each facet, starts to link to each other. This is what I hide, what I know I hide, and as I type it will start to link further, and I will inevitably lead myself astray with tangents on things I hate which I do, meaning I have to accept them or I have to stop doing them or I have to find another option.

Side One.


I have a tendency to try to make more out of people showing emotional attachment to me (especially now I am more isolated, internet crushes and relationships) than I should. This cursed optimism that such things really will work out. In terms of internet crushes, I dream too much on the subject, but am not really capable of the big move required. For all the dreaming I do, for all the friends I have, I don't think I've ever been strong enough financially or emotionally for a change on my own, and if I'm not capable of it, I'm not able to deserve anyone that far away. I'll have my days of belief in the matter, but... deep down, I can't just up and move and I don't want someone to do that for me, given I know how the moving for someone feels.

Moving has made me a more bitter person. Apparently my drunk self gets bitter about the moving and the friends I miss over the limitless possibilities I have in front of me from being where I am now, and if you get me started on a subject while drunk, I won't stop until all the pressure is released. Like squeezing a pimple over and over, until all the pus oozes out, and still going further, not until the first sign of blood do I stop.

This will change because I can't go on hurting the emotions of other people because I have the barrier of distance to let me get away with it. I could avoid an issue by hiding offline and turning my phone off, I could search for someone more locally as if the long-distance person's interest in me did not matter. In fact, I'd argue I'm more prone to finding someone locally when someone distant likes me, I dig the emotional attachment but the physical detachment just winds me up more and more.

How many times have I attempted to have an online relationship? Five.
How many times have I met any of these internet girlfriends as a friend? Zero, Three, Two, One, Two.
How many times have I met any of these internet girlfriends as a boyfriend? Zero, Zero, About Ten, Three, Zero.

Side Two.


I have a tendency to shrug and let things just happen when I'm meant to fix the problem. In the past, I finally worked out how to say no when what would occur would be painful for me and/or someone else immediately or in the drastically short term. But I found out I can't say no to things that involve long term pain for myself and someone, which is far worse, the lingering pain leading up to something being said at the last minute, in the hope that the lingering pain was there for long enough that it's an anti-climax of sorts, but it's not, it's always an eruption.

It's not that I don't know how to say no, or even that I don't want to say no, I know the right and wrong in the situations I've had occur to me, but I'm not a good person to be in the middle of anything. I look too logically at things, but the reason I am in the middle of a confrontation between two people... they're opposed and it's due to something very emotional. Logic has little to no place there, because it's insulting and demeaning to the human worth to try to put things rationally or statistically when we're talking about souls and hearts and minds. There's no real way to identify the value of a soul or mind or affection or affliction, there's no scale to quantify things against. But I try to do it anyway, and that's the bad decision on my part, the issue I always go back to.

This will change because I have to be more mature and responsible for my actions. I'm not at this point in time. I can be there most of the time, but that moment where I lose clarity is typically me wanting to have the excitement of taking the wrong decision: this is my rebellion, our rebellion if someone else takes the wrong decision with me, and I'm not really the type that should flirt with anarchy.

My problem is that I am very good with logic and numbers and statistics. I should have made a career out of doing something relatively formulaic. But in recent times, I am prone to bouts of emotional discharges from a long past of stoicism. It is difficult to be logical and compassionate at the same time, another situation I put myself in the middle of and teeter between as I need to until the see-saw shatters under the pressure I put on it, shatters right in the middle and leaves me doing the proverbial splits. I'd say I'm more logical and I switch off the logic to become emotional, but it's not a switch, more a power surge shattering the light into pieces. With the subsequent mess of me trying to find another lightbulb to screw back in again, and making a bodge job of it. But at what point did I need so much artificial light in my life?

How many times can I think of that I've let a problem develop into something worse? How many people have I genuinely hurt from this flaw so far? Five and eleven.

Side Three.


I have a tendency to ignore the beauty of what is around me. I am easily distracted and am often so captivated by something that I forget the rest of the world with it. I am an 'out of sight, out of mind' person, and I have not found a way to change that. This enhances the bitterness when someone upsets me because I hide my fears away when they are not there, and this explains the passive-aggressive tendencies when someone tries to get me to let the feelings out. It is easier for me to be upset by a person when I see only memories and sometimes see only the worst of them. I find that when I am tangibly around someone, I am at my best. Which is why the internet is such a beast to me, because it puts me at my most isolated. Which is why games are not much better, I don't have enough people to play them with and interact with, and am sceptical of playing online games due to not really knowing the opponent I play against.

The Linking.


If I were to imagine that everyone but me was a robot, and once I realise this the game ends and I win a prize, I could start to try to work out what robotic characterists people have to make sure I have proof when I make my accusation. However rational we are or want to be, when we're presented with just words and pictures, there's a calculated way to manipulate a scenario, to lead a person into an emotional response. To tell them they've got a virus on their PC, to tell them they've got two weeks left to live unless they stop smoking, that terrorism is rife and is going to kill us. The weak are capable of trying to manipulate and the ignorant are capable of being manipulated and I know that I am still easily led on enough to know that this means I am weak enough to try to use the bitterness I have in me to manipulate myself, if I am given reason to. I never want to have the reason to be hurt enough and weak enough to try to manipulate a person, but it is definitely there in me.

I think a person is weaker for fighting who they are for the benefit of their long-term existence if it is who they truly are and can honestly accept it as a facet of their personality. This means that despite my dislike for smokers, if they know what smoking does, and if they can accept it is killing them every time they light up and that is what they want in life, how dare I care about what they're doing? It is only once it hurts another person - from public smoking to paedophilia, this is a form of control that oppresses others. The sadistic smoker is saying they want to smoke here and you will have to accept this, just as the sadistic paedophile does, they want to do what they do and you will have to accept this. The truth is that both are on such different levels of controversy, that we know our reaction to seeing a child dragged away by a dirty-looking man is going to be far more extreme than someone smoking in the lavatories of a pub, because the short-term danger is far more prominent in one situation there.

But how far does something go before it oppresses? Eating meat can cause all kinds of arguments, I've heard more than enough of them from Jamie on what is wrong with society can be linked back to eating meat. I don't know if it is really meat which is the problem per se, but more the corporation behind the manufacturing of the meat, that is able to [here comes a segue] get away with ignoring the emotions of what they hurt because they are distant to it, it is not what they see and it is not what you see when your product is given to you in its final form, be it a Happy Meal or a $200 plate of veal, you are what you eat and you have to accept the consequences of it and accept the consequences that this will offend other people and help you decide who is right in the situation and what is best to do based upon the actions and reactions.

These corporations get as large and powerful as they are by ignoring what could be perceived as right and wrong and acting as an entity, a person, an embodiment. That is why we have the term 'soulless corporation', because in attempting to present themselves with an identity, they are trying to replicate what we each have in ourselves so we feel we can relate. If we think of Nike as a person, do we see the athletic superstars or the men in suits and ties with sweatshops in backwaters, able to control people with what are extortionate wages for extortionate work and extortionate conditions. It's all extreme in its circumstance because to everyone in that chain, more is better.

But as much as we can claim there is no love in this corporation, there is evidently little love that we will offer either. Our apathy and inaction is nearly as damaging. It's amazing that it is considered 'anti-' to be opposed to something, it's an amazing bit of verbosity because anti, at some point, became such a negative and anarchistic prefix in my mind yet I can't work out why I let that happen. What's wrong with believing someone is wrong? Is it because I try to find the middle ground so much? Is it why if I try to let myself go in a direction and I hear words that suggest this isn't my right path in life from people other than myself, I am easily swayed back to what I let myself get into?

I need some more strength in myself by having less fear and being more comfortable with doing what I feel is right, in terms of the positives and negatives of the situations from another's perspective. I also have to have less concern and interest in the people with opinions that will fear what I feel I have to do. If I have to do something, it is up to myself to do it. If I have to make a journey, I have to be the one to start it and see who joins it with me. And if I know that I'm getting nowhere, I have to stop taking a step back and looking outwards on what other people do in a situation, and see if that works for me, but take a step inwards and trust myself further and believe in whatever I set out to do. I need to be less ignorant and less apathetic and I need to find what I need to now rather than waiting on what-ifs and what-could-bes. I can't keep on waiting because it's what has hurt me for so long up to now.

I can't keep on waiting for anything.