I said unto a fool, "If you sow rye, what shall you reap?"
And the fool replied, "Rye."
I said unto the fool, "And if your sow wheat, what shall you reap?"
And the fool replied, "Wheat."
And I said unto the fool, "And if you sow anger, you shall reap anger."
But the fool replied "No. Becuase in your example rye and wheat were plant seeds and therefore follow the natural laws of physics, whereas anger is a metaphysical property so there is no proof that it shoud act accordingly."
And I said unto him "Oh it will actually."
And thus the fool left.
Regarding a complaint: "One man complained about the hamster roasting [sketch] which he said might encourage children to barbecue rodents. It seems a bit rich when a barbecue was invented to roast animals anyway."
Rich: And I saw a naked woman once! It was in a mortuary...
Stu: You lost your job on that occasion, didn't you?
Rich: It’s been a great year for breasts this year, Stu. Women can now have a little valve fitted under their arm, which can be used to inflate or deflate their breasts whenever they want.
Stu: Oh. Course you’ve had a girlfriend with a valve who can be inflated and deflated for some time haven’t you Rich?
Stu: Do you see what I’m saying? I’m saying your girlfriend is a blow up doll.
Rich: No, that isn’t true. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Stu: Yes you do, and she’s a blow up doll. That is my joke.
Rich: Yes Stu, alright, it is true, I do have a blow up doll as a girlfriend, but your joke sullies her reputation. That’s all women are to you. Sex objects.
Stu: No, that’s all blow up dolls are to me Rich.
Rich: If you can’t treat a doll with respect what hope do you have with a real woman?
Stu: Your argument makes no sense. Blow up women are by sex objects by defintion.
Rich: Mine isn’t... we haven’t actually been intimate yet.
Rich: We’re waiting for the right time, when it feels right for both of us. At the moment I just take her out for dinner, or to the movies, then I walk her home and…
Stu: Walk her home?
Rich: Well, drag her home… unless it’s windy in which case I just tie a string to her and fly her back.
Stu: Like a balloon.
from a tour in 1996:
Simon Quinlank: Do you have a hobby? ANSWER ME!!!
Random guy in audience: Yes. Wanking.
Simon: Did you say wanking?
Simon: Quelle surprise!