Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers

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My bed and I are forming a love-hate relationship. I do so enjoy my sleep. I do not enjoy one side of my hair being stuck up from sleeping in an odd position. But my goodness, I enjoyed the dream I had last night. Oh my yes. I just woke up smiling from it and feeling very bouncy, but I can't remember most of it...

So I've just taken a bath to get that hair to droop down properly as it should do. Consequently, I should get dressed and go to Enfield Town: see if I can get passport photos taken. I'm not sure where I can get them from - the photobooth in the post office and at the train station aren't functioning. There used to be one in Woolworths, if I remember. I'm also working earlier today - I've got to get there for five.

Oh, and that philosophical post. I may as well write on that, given I've an "update" on how I feel. I'd best get changed first, mind. I'll go on for 45 minutes on this, I'll time myself and just get what I can down.

I was thinking of work when I began to consider writing up the philosophical post about myself. I enjoy working with Astrid, but realised next year (I hope she'll still be there then) she'll be another year through her art course, and she may move on from the job. Whereas I am in a fixed position, slowly earning money but not getting anywhere (except potentially putting "assistant manager" on the CV). I was starting to be concerned with this lack of moving forwards, but shrugged it off, to be honest. When Jessica messaged me with a very similar problem - moving from agency job to agency job on minimum wage - I stopped at looked at myself again.

Of course, I was looking at things in the wrong way. It screams out at me now. I don't know why I worried.

I mean, with the earning money I have options. I can go off and take a course in something that takes my fancy when I figure out what I want to do. I've always seen myself as content to be in the background, though, so I'd prefer to keep on slowly earning money. That's fair enough, but it's not going to earn a lot of money and it's a bit of a selfish thought. I can't look after someone else with low pay. I'd barely be able to live if I was on my own. But for now, working is earning me money, and this money means I don't have to let the matter of fund-accruing control my life short-term.

Also, I've not gone forwards in terms of finding a sustained job I can see myself doing in a few years' time. But what I have developed in is thanks to the job. That tag of "assistant manager" does look good on a CV, it offers other employers a person with retail experience and good school grades. I'm also more comfortable with myself as a person, I've developed more communicating skills with strangers, I've begun to pay attention to films (a year ago I'd have not bought half the films I have if I hadn't picked up this job) and other media when recommended; I'm essentially padding my character out. What I used to be was a rather one-dimensional person. I could talk of games till the cows came home, but given the lack of conversational talent, I could sometimes not appear an interesting person to talk to. Such is the problem of a geeky demeanour.

Now? I want to meet people. Sadly, around Enfield there aren't a lot of good people to meet, and I still have that shyness of blurting out randomness in front of a group, but that's possibly me noticing I'm not as funny as I seem to feel I am. Quirky, yes. Funny, no.

I can see steps I can take to move on, go forwards, be a better person, have a more comfortable life. It's just whether I want to. On the surface it sounds an obvious choice, but breaking with tradition, with how things have always been done by yourself... it's a fear of the unknown, essentially. I have trust in myself now, though. I don't have any reason not to try to move on.

I want to look back in a year and see I've moved on to better things, again. How? I have ideas. One of the easier options is that UGC card. I get to be around a new group of friends, talk of things a little different to what I normally would, develop another facet to my personality. Maybe learn something. HTML would be the obvious choice given how much I put myself around a computer and how many other people I could look to for guidance, but I'm not sure if that's right for me. I should bother to develop my website more, though. Given how Trudi developed her Cat Nip website... that's something I could do.

Anyway, more on this later. I've been 55 minutes and I should leave to get to Enfield Town if I want to take passport photos today. Which I do as that means I can get that UGC card quicker. Oh, and my monthly travelcard for when I'm in Islington in October. I think you can buy those a week in advance these days.

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