Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers

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It is important to remember that when you feel content with your life, that other people around you are often not content with theirs. Some of them will even try to uproot your life for their benefit. Also: if you're content then you're meant to stop feeling content and aspire to do more. But that part isn't something I want to believe is relevant to me. I like the simple life. Still, things have to change.

I'm working in the daytime. I'm not sure I like it. The day feels long already (at 4 PM) and I've done so little today for me. I don't like the feeling of how I am fixed here, unable to do anything except admire the world going by. At least at night-time Enfield feels like it runs at a significantly slower pace. I don't miss out on anything special.

I like this workplace: as things get stranger here, the place feels more like a bubble from reality than ever. A portal to everything going by at a faster pace, where stress shouldn't be: the workers are not getting paid well enough to feel stressed. I wonder if becoming stress-free at the workplace is a bad thing. I mean, the lack of fear at the ramifications of my [lack of] actions allows for slacking. It also means I go home with less stress on my mind - things don't feel so problematic. Does the lack of responsibility in my life mean I can be a responsible enough person when I get into a position that needs me to 'grow up'?

I know what I'm doing here is abnormal. I can tell that by the way the family act about this job. I get looks of scorn when I work more than I'm meant to, because the expectation is that I can do chores around the house and look after the dog; maybe working more morning shifts will shift that perspective from the family. I'd like to feel like I have more worth to them, but see no realistic way for this to happen whilst here.

Life in the last few days has been lived. Not in the fastest lane, but I'm actually plodding along with a life of some form, something rational and normal and (most importantly) still fun. I might write something about that soon, but I'll wait until I'm home for that. I could attempt to remember what's happened, but that type of concentration at a workplace that isn't related to work seems unfair. At least there are no lies when I look unproductive, it's obvious what is going on.

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