Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers

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Found That Soul

Packing the PC up in a few minutes. I've spent the day making DVDs of important pictures, music and videos (alongside general files) so that when I do pick a PC up in America, we won't lose a thing.

The move will be a massive one. After seeing all the work we've put into simply getting over to the US, the scale of what is going on is far more obvious to me. I'm happy to go, though the last fortnight has been one of the best - I wish I had the mentality that I'd never get to see good friends again every time I met them: it really makes you savour every extra opportunity that you fortuitously get.

When I get to America, I will write a list of things I miss, I'm sure. Anyone who wants American goods is welcome to offer to send me British things in exchange for them. I may also do a friends-list cull; I realised with what I'm doing that some people are acquaintances rather than friends, and I don't read their entries unless I have little else to do. With me starting a new life, a few people I delete that were relevant to my past may be upset with this decision (and more of my decisions in the future), but I am not actively hiding anything: I seldom post friends-only, after all. I'm just being honest and saying "I don't really know you any more" or "I do not relate to your posts any more". I've had to grow up a lot in the last year, and this comes from someone who always felt he had a relatively mature head on his shoulders. I'm not a person who has time for petulance and constant upset: I know I used to spend a fair portion of online time trying to help other people. I guess now's a good time to be selfish and look after myself and who I love.

I am betting I'm going to be useless at keeping in touch with people. Shout at me if I'm not doing well enough. This is a genuine thing: please keep in touch with me. I fancy a spell where I deal with emails before livejournal, so I can tell everyone an interesting tale, for I'm sure I'll have too many to scrawl into this one journal.

I fly on Monday. I don't know how to take it. I still feel like there are more places we could have seen and people we could have met, but overall the people Jamie and I have met recently made an attempt at getting to know Jamie, which matters a lot to me. I have had a form of closure with all of these people, and we have fond memories of our times with them. I am sure I will meet more people now I'll be in America, and I am sure that with more notice, some other British people would have wanted to meet us - it's nice to know people care.

I keep getting to the verge of tears, and it's been happening more frequently as I get closer to leaving. I know there's a good cry in me at some point. There's a lot of emotion I'm experiencing right now, but I like this feeling of it bottled up in me. It shows how much all this matters, to provoke this kind of reaction.

Even if America isn't the right place for me and I end up distraught out there, I do have the right person with me. There's a lot of risk involved in what we're doing, but it's never felt like something we'd want to give up on. We've never felt happier, even with the prospect of losing contact with some people - the opportunity to be someplace where Jamie and I feel safer, happier and more independent is one we have to take while we can.
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