dean_r

I notice that some people will use the internet for their own benefit, wanting something from it. This could be love, money, friendships or empathy - but all of these things deal with giving the user a more positive status. It could be said that these people often forget that the words other people put out for them are coming from real people, and that in their desire to have this improved status, other people matter far less.

I notice that people who disappear from the internet usually have found something, be it from the online realm or not, to make them go out and do things in the real world.
Be it a tangible partner, a job or an education, talking to local family or friends, there are things for these people to do, and with it no real reason to hang around online.

I remember when I used to proclaim my journal was an 'open book', that it was all honest and genuine, and from it tried to present who I was to a level that you'd know if you could get along with me or not, if you met me in person. I notice how at times I wrote in the journal for me, and at other times for an audience, and so shouldn't have claimed my journal was so open - when you start to write for other people, it's not really yourself writing it, more the person from the first paragraph after compassion.

I am now happy with Jamie. With that, I feel less inclined to talk of ourselves on here, or be introspective. I don't feel like talking of it on here would be of any benefit to myself, and don't feel that the average person who is using the internet would be able to read, understand, and offer an enlightened comment.

Without a need for the internet, I can look back on friendships from the past and work out if these people have since stopped being a friend to me, due to my changes - some obvious (the moving to America) and some less obvious (the moving on from certain interests and pastimes). I can also look back on people who were set as friends on here, but I never really knew well enough to talk to, or understand.

I suppose this is another change in how I am; I didn't think I'd get rid of some of the 'friends' I have a year ago, but in the year with my changes, I've felt them drift away, only appearing when - as the first paragraph mentions - they feel they can obtain something, irregardless of if it may hurt other people in the process. (Maybe some of you feel I've used you in the past. I hope not; I just needed help from people who understand what I'm going through and have had to deal with my situation before me.)

So, with this lack of online time, I have deleted one interest in particular; 'helping people'. I guess there's no reason to dwell on that, besides the fact that 'helping people' is a vague enough term as is. After all, with skill, that could really mean 'manipulating people'. In the past (and to be honest, in the future too) I could be naive to things, or I've tried to help people too much. I feel I have faults of my own, and I don't want to appear to be considered a saviour for stating the obvious to some people. It was strange that in the past, I would talk to friends of friends and try to aid their situations, and I thought nothing of it.

I suppose for the people who I took from my friends list, I have some reasons for it. In honesty, most people were taken off because I've known them for years on here yet never knew much more than their name. For other people, I feel that I've changed and don't understand them any more, or I've heard things from them that displayed that I didn't like what they'd become.

I do understand that because I have someone, someone tangible and wonderful, I have to do all I can to stop her from dealing with annoying or depressing situations. With my family back in England, I tried to stop things escalating there, standing up to family members at times. But because I looked at comments and IMs from friends people I'd known for so long, I forgot to look for malice in what was said, or took what they said mildly, forgetting that these words could hurt Jamie more than I'd realise.

I always thought getting rid of some friends would be difficult, given I am not confrontational and I used to fear venomous responses. Except: if I take the tag of friend away from a few of them, re-read what they'd said to me (or couldn't be bothered to say, in certain cases) it became far easier to notice that because I was happier and seemingly changing, these people became unhappy and could have said far more venomous things a long time ago.

In the end, though, they're only words from people trying to gain something from a situation they messed up a long time ago, and these days I have more important things to do.