Enfieldean

dean_r


There's a storm in my teacup!

Well, in my dollar store mug.


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Words of Change. Words of Progress.
Applause-me-do
dean_r
I notice that some people will use the internet for their own benefit, wanting something from it. This could be love, money, friendships or empathy - but all of these things deal with giving the user a more positive status. It could be said that these people often forget that the words other people put out for them are coming from real people, and that in their desire to have this improved status, other people matter far less.

I notice that people who disappear from the internet usually have found something, be it from the online realm or not, to make them go out and do things in the real world.
Be it a tangible partner, a job or an education, talking to local family or friends, there are things for these people to do, and with it no real reason to hang around online.

I remember when I used to proclaim my journal was an 'open book', that it was all honest and genuine, and from it tried to present who I was to a level that you'd know if you could get along with me or not, if you met me in person. I notice how at times I wrote in the journal for me, and at other times for an audience, and so shouldn't have claimed my journal was so open - when you start to write for other people, it's not really yourself writing it, more the person from the first paragraph after compassion.

I am now happy with Jamie. With that, I feel less inclined to talk of ourselves on here, or be introspective. I don't feel like talking of it on here would be of any benefit to myself, and don't feel that the average person who is using the internet would be able to read, understand, and offer an enlightened comment.

Without a need for the internet, I can look back on friendships from the past and work out if these people have since stopped being a friend to me, due to my changes - some obvious (the moving to America) and some less obvious (the moving on from certain interests and pastimes). I can also look back on people who were set as friends on here, but I never really knew well enough to talk to, or understand.

I suppose this is another change in how I am; I didn't think I'd get rid of some of the 'friends' I have a year ago, but in the year with my changes, I've felt them drift away, only appearing when - as the first paragraph mentions - they feel they can obtain something, irregardless of if it may hurt other people in the process. (Maybe some of you feel I've used you in the past. I hope not; I just needed help from people who understand what I'm going through and have had to deal with my situation before me.)

So, with this lack of online time, I have deleted one interest in particular; 'helping people'. I guess there's no reason to dwell on that, besides the fact that 'helping people' is a vague enough term as is. After all, with skill, that could really mean 'manipulating people'. In the past (and to be honest, in the future too) I could be naive to things, or I've tried to help people too much. I feel I have faults of my own, and I don't want to appear to be considered a saviour for stating the obvious to some people. It was strange that in the past, I would talk to friends of friends and try to aid their situations, and I thought nothing of it.

I suppose for the people who I took from my friends list, I have some reasons for it. In honesty, most people were taken off because I've known them for years on here yet never knew much more than their name. For other people, I feel that I've changed and don't understand them any more, or I've heard things from them that displayed that I didn't like what they'd become.

I do understand that because I have someone, someone tangible and wonderful, I have to do all I can to stop her from dealing with annoying or depressing situations. With my family back in England, I tried to stop things escalating there, standing up to family members at times. But because I looked at comments and IMs from friends people I'd known for so long, I forgot to look for malice in what was said, or took what they said mildly, forgetting that these words could hurt Jamie more than I'd realise.

I always thought getting rid of some friends would be difficult, given I am not confrontational and I used to fear venomous responses. Except: if I take the tag of friend away from a few of them, re-read what they'd said to me (or couldn't be bothered to say, in certain cases) it became far easier to notice that because I was happier and seemingly changing, these people became unhappy and could have said far more venomous things a long time ago.

In the end, though, they're only words from people trying to gain something from a situation they messed up a long time ago, and these days I have more important things to do.

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Well said. :) Now go and cuddle Jamie for me, and give her a huge slobbery kiss.

He actually did do it. I will never forgive you for such slobber. ;)

Really? That's excellent! I bet you appreciated the slobber really. ;)

I did, and have to write a long comment just for her too.

There you go, complaining already.

Shush you, until you start writing the responses.

But it would be kind of boring to write a 5000-character comment about what is nice about you.

...is boring the right word to use there?

Boring could be used if you wanted to be castrated! Saying it is so much sweeter though. *cue vomiting everywhere*

I'm starting to understand that feeling. the tangible is becoming more and more gratifying that the intangible. I feel I should be pulling myself away from the world of faceless banter and forum.

but I guess I'm not quite ready for that yet.

DON'T MAKE ME CALL YOU AGAIN>/i>

Thar he goes!

Keep in contact, though. I've had one confused phonecall from you. It was a good experience.

That's a familiar feeling and very well put :)

Thank you.

One of the biggest mistakes in my life was trying to keep the peace between real friends of mine and internet friends of mine. Both parties felt I didn't do enough to help them out, and both parties stopped talking to me for a while.

I learned soon after that I missed the real friends a hell of a lot more.

Glad to know I am still considered one of the good guys :)

You're one of them.

Seen any corn yet?

After moving out to Chicago, I noticed myself becoming less internet-oriented. I'm still a royal geek, but I spend a lot less time online. Even without class or work getting in the way, I visit with friend(s) and read and enjoy the city. Before I came here, I used to wonder how people think that I'm not enjoying life by spending time on the internet. Well, out in Colorado where there was nothing, I think it was my only way of enjoying it, with no one I really related to nearby, nothing I really enjoyed, not even any kindred spirits in my interests/subgroups that weren't at least a 40 minute drive. And I dislike parties, so that was out.

But now I understand much better. Once Pip moves out to Chicago, I think it'll become clearer. The internet is great fun and highly entertaining and a good communication medium, but I can't live in it much longer like I used to. I've found a place in real life I'm comfortable in, and now I can find my own definition of living, instead of the limited choices presented to me by country/small city-town life.

I'm glad to still be on your friend list. We don't talk much, but you're definitely one of those I like reading. I know a lot of people don't like reading about those they don't know too well, but I love getting into the head of life of other people. That probably makes me very nosy, but it helps with writing, at least.

You always had a streak of independence about you, though - that when you had the chance to go and do something that'd really matter to you, you'd go for it with all you could.

I respect that, and understand that a minute not spent online for you is a minute spent living. True, you can 'talk' to people and understand them on here - LJ is great for that - but in the end, I'm still staring at the screen, giving myself a future of wrist pain from too much keyboard-tapping.

And with it, I feel like I wish I was at a diner, meeting more of Jamie's friends, or running around in the rain that sporadically falls every time I have to be indoors.

So hows work going mr. rivers? Is it like some sort of weird alternate (albeit better) version of work here?

Hope alls well.
Taaraa

It doesn't, yet. You need a Social Security Number to work; it's like an I.D. card that is needed for breathing, pretty much.

Once I get it, I'll be all excited and write it up for livejournal to see, maybe. Then I can write about my life and how damaging it is for anyone to know my SSN.

It could be a best-seller, and I'd write it while I was in prison for crimes other people said I did!

WOW, dean in prison, for crimes he didn't commit, I can see it now, you'd be the daddy of all and everyone else bows to you. Then you go on the run to prove your innocence and team up with crash bandicoot and the ape escape fellas, kool, huh?

Times change though, don't they and so do people, but more so, yourself. Obviously I still see you as a good friend, even though you're now in a completely diffeent country (lucky git ;) I don't want us to ever lose touch Dean, even though I realise it's difficult what with us all being busy. As long as you update your journal and let us know what's happening in your life and that you guys are keeping well, I'm happy. :)

Everyone changes constantly - we're all much different people from what we were a few years ago, at least I like to think so.

I like to think I've had a chance to develop who I am, and I know I changed from how I was a few years ago.

For example, I understand why I did what I did during the A-Level years, because I was hurt with what happened with my family, but wasn't able to express it properly for so long. I didn't understand how much it hurt you and your sister when I didn't show up, given you two were the best friends I had there, and tried all you could to exorcise those demons. I now realise how I wish I'd done more with you during that time, because you were the epitomy of living and enjoying it to me, and I was all welled up in confusion and isolation.

I will never forget you both. I know we'll keep in contact, one way or another - too many interests, too many good times, too many bad times for petty things like distance to thwart our friendship.

I hope you're saving some of your wages for a trip here. We would be honored to have you and Trudi as guests. Odd as it sounds, Jamie's aunt Lois would love your company too - Jamie tells me you'd have a lot of fun conversations.

Don't worry about the whole A-Levels thing, Dean; I wish you'd have talked to us more about what was going on with your family, as it might've helped. But I can totally understand you wanting privacy. At least we all got through it in the end! I used to love going round your house every Monday, had great fun. I dreaded having to back into school, just wanted to stay and have fun. :)

Aw, that'd be so fantastic to come and see you guys; I already miss you like crazy! Lois seemed like a very cool lady from when I briefly met her at the shop (she must be cool - she's related to Mrs Rivers ;)

Good luck with everything.
I hope you and your wife have a wonderful life together.
It's lovely to know that happiness isn't just a myth!

Take care Dean.

Louise

xx

Times change, don't they? But I hope I was removed because I'm boring and not cause i'm nasty? *blink* Good luck, and take care mate.
xx

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