Enfieldean

dean_r


There's a storm in my teacup!

Well, in my dollar store mug.


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It's like when you fake an illness to the doctor, so you can say "Oh, and by the way..."
Standard Deviation
dean_r
If reality were to be something tangible, like, say, an ice cream cone, my version of reality would be melting away and dripping onto the floor. And would be mint chocolate chip.

Ideas have been coming to me about how I could empower myself, because maybe now is a good time to do something different and spontaneous or just do something that isn't "me". Most of these ideas are terrible. To prove my point, the best idea I've had is to shave my hair off for charity on eBay; once the highest bidder pays their money to charity, I shave off my hair, which is getting long now and is becoming a bit of a nuisance. It's better than the stupids who tattoo a name across their forehead for a few thousand dollars.

Financially, Jamie and I are slowly losing money every week. For the amount we earn minus the amount we spend on bills/junk/rent, we've got two months before we finally go into the red in our checking account. If one was to consider our credit card debts and was to demand we pay those debts off immediately, we actually would be in the red right now. I've never been in debt before. If I handle this, maybe I will go back to education and become a student. That fear of debt always put me off before now. It'll be interesting to switch from using a debit card to a credit card. If I don't handle this, it might be an exciting new chapter for this journal and its writing style, at least.

Chapter Two: And then Jamie had a Talk with me. The capitalised Talk, yes.

Jamie had a Talk with me around a week ago, which should be more unsettling than it has been, given that it's been looming, but a mixture of naivety and optimism on my part hid things like that away until it was blatantly obvious, and a mixture of time lessening the blow and my stoically reserved writing style hides the emotion that was involved at the time. Even now, I'm not exactly sure what went on and what will follow from all of this. We can't afford not to live together financially or in terms of paperwork for immigration if things work out, so that's not even an issue in the matter. One less thing to worry about. But I don't know what we'll be doing when we move into our very own place. I don't know if that ultimate form of being around each other will be beneficial. I think it will, as there'll be less stress, but only time will tell.

I can see where Jamie's coming from - she's stifled by the limitations this lifestyle has put on her. She's 22 and wanting to live a free, adventurous lifestyle, but by finding me it became a relationship filled with paperwork and obligations and less about fun. I love Jamie for her maturity, but right now the mature lifestyle is destroying her personality, she needs to find herself and the lifestyle she'd have to share to be around me isn't what she needs in the slightest. I find the level of freedom she craves a pretty lonely experience; I decided to take a back seat and remain indoors on most of my days off, to try to save money and cushion the financial blow that we endure. I'm going to change on this issue, because Jamie and I are on different levels right now because of it. Jamie has gotten to enjoy Washington in a different way to me - her job is in Seattle and far enough away that she lives a double life - she works with friends and goofs off there and goes to bars and pubs and all those types of places with them, and sees shows and dances and has fun and is free and happy. She takes the bus home and arrives in Tacoma to the sound of cats crying and bills and the depressing house that still has the faint whiff of cat pee to it. I work, walk back home and sit on a DS or read a book or watch a DVD or come online, because it's cheaper to do, and sleep. I am not really living a life right now because of all the obligations I have to fulfill to remain here.

I handle monotony a lot better than Jamie. She handles living a lot better than me.

Also, when you're in a relationship, you get excluded - there is that preconception that married couples keep themselves to themselves, which was never the case. We were always excited for adventure. Jamie doesn't wear the wedding ring any more, because it doesn't fit comfortably and that little change does get her more attention - it's amazing how people in this area react to seeing a young person married, it's almost standoffish.

Jamie also sees me more as a best friend right now. It was a conversation that was left very open-ended, that things might change with change - this house has sucked a lot of the happiness out of all of us - but I've had friends hear these types of things and the end results weren't what one would call positive. The plan is to get out of this house as soon as possible and move closer to downtown, where the other people in the household have more friends. This part of Tacoma doesn't really have an interesting and diverse bunch of people, past the crazies at the bus stops. I'm not adapting as well to all these little changes, from household to household. It strikes me that since the move from Enfield I've never really started to show off trinkets or put up posters. Is this a sign that I've not felt at 'home' anywhere just yet? I put it down to abject laziness before, but I always say everything happens for a reason. It's karma. It's fate. It's why I remain so mellow. It's arguably why I remain so far out of the loop from most people.

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*hugs you* I hope things work out. Sometimes being miserable where you're living can fuck the relationship up. You BOTH have to want the relationship to work though in order for it to last.

Might be time for the office job experience.

I'm relatively happy with the area. It's just finding some good people and some cheap places to visit. Bad weather doesn't help right now.

As for the office job experience: Maybe! The timing's difficult for someone that doesn't try to cause trouble though: it's busy enough at work that I'm getting all the hours I need for now. Maybe I also need to work through retail for one Christmas season. It might build character.

I find a lot of things wrong with this post. I'm afraid to tell you how I feel, though, because I don't want you or Jamie to think I'm being malicious or snarky. I hope it will suffice to say that almost nothing you wrote sits right with me.

I asked a few people to proofread this post for me because I was cautious it might sound wrong; my life is typically carefree enough that I wanted to get opinions when something serious is discussed in here - I probably don't explain things well enough when there's not some gag in the entry that I'm ultimately setting up to. I also concede that by not writing as often, there's probably a few gaps in the story which don't make sense to the readers of my journal.

But, I accept what you've said. Let's see how things develop over time. Chances are at some point in the future you'll see me online (I don't know which is your primary username any more) and ask what was on your mind, and hopefully whatever will happen in my immediate future will alleviate any of the fears or questions you had.

*hugs* I hope things work out for both of you soon.

They will, they will. Thank you.

I, too, suspect things would be better if I kept my nose out of where it doesn't belong. I hope you guys work through this though.

Nothing about us has to do with me wanting a carefree lifestyle free of responsibility and to go mad. If I had you or if I didn't, I would still have all these issues weighing down on me in terms of bills and everything and I would still be out with friends or at the bar having fun. These issues don't have anything to do with how we are right now. If this is truly why you think we talked over things, then I think you missed the point in it's entirety and I wish you had cleared things with me or talked to me about it before even announcing it incorrectly to everyone we know. I wasn't even going to bring this up or mention it to anyone, because as I said, it's not at all at a level of severity where I thought it should be public as a possibility. I just spoke when I was upset and trusted you would listen and we could both get through things.

I don't think it paints a fair picture at all of a lot of the things going on. So it does hurt me actually 1) because you truly thought and believed these reasons were the true issue and 2) because you prematurely announced this without any mention of it, without talking to me about anything for days, and putting me in a position where I have to get super defensive because you painted a really negative picture of me, grossly exaggerated from what we talked about just ONCE, weeks ago.

I have never been truly hurt by you. But this really just shook me right now.

After I type this up I'm going to say the same thing to you. I see you happier when you have that chance to go enjoy yourself in Seattle, and that is a more carefree lifestyle than you get with me at this point in time, because of this house and the bills and such. But I also know you're responsible and have proved so in the past by living in NYC and such. It's just something we have to work on.

You told me after you talked to me to get this out of my system any way I could that night, and this has been stuck in my head for days. I didn't write something immediately because I knew I'd just be going on emotion and say something stupid. This post just started to form because I got stuck here at home with terrible weather and had nobody to talk to. Maybe the emotion was still stuck there, but I thought it was something far more severe than you did.

Instead, I missed the point entirely because I should have talked to you, I guess. I suppose I didn't understand. I also don't think I painted you negatively, just differently to who I am right now. You go out and enjoy yourself and you've found friends and you're enjoying life. I don't do things properly and am struggling. I'm limited with friends. I have stints where I find something fun to do, but it's not really extremely social. I think I seem negative, as an introvert. I've never been upset at your lifestyle and am glad you found your happiness here.

I apologise and am going to go apologise to you in a second. There was no intention to hurt you, just like you've never had an intention of hurting me. It's kind of depressing that I messed up and this is the way I have to start talking to you.

Don't talk through LJ. It messes things up.

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