Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers

Getting Further Away From What I Came For

There is an absence of sound in the current Rivers/Rivera residence. I watched as many episodes of Life on Mars as was necessary to have consumed the first series gluttonously. It's all gone now, and it reminded me of how I used to be. In the past, I would take those bold risks and do something different, when I had no reason to. I remember every bone in my body being cautious at spending what equated to $50 on this show, and what that could buy me here. But $50 could not buy me the sanity that this show gave me. It gave me a cleansing that I needed, that no matter what happens and how far away I get from why I initially moved over here, I am doing alright and enjoying the chance I have to be someone here.

I wondered about the concept of time and past lives, which is linked to a conversation Jamie had with me about the concept of what now is and where we are now, and whether we are indeed in more than one place, like a primitive animation spinning around in a reel, each frame leading to the next in some capacity but completely unique from the others. It made me ponder about how bad being in the wrong time and place really is, and how I really need to ensure I make the most out of everything I do here. In terms of living in Tacoma if and when I move, in terms of living if and when I die. It's all chapters, and we've got to make each chapter interesting, make the story worth reading.

Every text I send should be a phone call. When I'm calling someone I should be knocking on their front door. I'm getting lazy with my friendships because I'm making it easy for people to give up on me. I'm not going to let the people I need to stay close to give up on me that easily.

As I've grown up, I've always heard the clichéd phrase "I'm a lover, not a fighter!" I knew that is who I am. A nice guy with little energy to fight for what I want and what I believe in. When Jamie wanted to get away I can look back and say I let her. I was disappointed and felt it was right and that's way too passive a reaction. Right now, at this point in my life, when the closest I can get to stating I'm a lover is if we talk of my impractical crushes, I think it's a good time to learn to fight a bit better and at least get some part of my life moving forwards. I have passions and I need to do something about it. I need to write more, take more photography, get myself more productive. And it's so hard to keep this going, it's so easy to fall back into what I used to be.

I am becoming more lazy as I get older, and I'm letting it happen. I need to stop being so lazy and look after myself better, and the people close to me better, and just keep on going on in that way. I need a short, sharp blow to the system.

I looked at a picture of me with hair that wasn't much further past my ears and certainly not close to going past the shoulders. While I don't mind the hair I have now, I prefer less pony tail in my life. But how do I lop off all this extra hair, all this history, how do I get out of what I have grown used to and what I feel is a part of how people perceive me these days?

Well, with scissors. Alongside the faith that no matter how bad it ends up, it's something different, that's for sure.

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