Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers

The Two Sides To The Story

I am not who I used to be, but yet am startlingly familiar. When a part of me changes for the better, another part of me I thought I'd changed for the better shows back up again.

Life is full of many chapters and we often find the characters in stories are meant to develop. But what if the story is in stasis, that nothing is continuing further, no matter what changes occur, no matter what we think we're reading, the character is just the same as page one of the story, no realisations for all the tragedies that he went through at the very start of things... the chapter that cannot end.

I am so torn with who I am and all the people I've hurt through some kind of false confidence or even arrogance. I'm letting my public perception lead who I am into situations. I'm playing with my own emotions, other people's emotions... just too many emotions to be given to someone who's having volatile moments when someone actually talks to me about it - and I am hurting people. It's unintentional, but the longer I go without explaining it all and clearing it up, the more I let it be a type of intentional hurt.

I have had a few admirers recently. To those people I say that while I'm like this, I am only going to hurt you, and I can't offer a guarantee I'm going to be in the right frame of mind. For comprehension or conversation, I think I like what I'm changing into and I hit a brick wall and want to take many steps back from everything and reform the picture, return to who I used to be.

Eh. Long day tomorrow. Long day Tuesday. Maybe it'll make more sense then.

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