Dean Rivers (dean_r) wrote,
Dean Rivers
dean_r

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Confusion.

This was around the time when I began to talk to Jess and find out she was someone special. I was happy with CJ but the distance was causing problems already. Jess lived closer and seemed more like a girlfriend I'd hoped to find - things with CJ seemed too perfect, there were never arguments or bickering or problems.

I'm too much of a realist to not consider that idyllicism would irritate. I know it's a bit stupid to be confused and afraid of things I can't see coming, but I see it as causing the inevitable to not be delayed. Someone who would actively have an argument at least gets their feelings out. I saw CJ upset on matters, but never with me.

I cared about both of them and both of them had an interest in me, enough to want to go out with me, to be my girlfriend. I told both of them about what'd happened and admitted confusion. I attempted to be civil; to simply go on for a while and see how things worked out, to be open to them both about anything that came along.

Essentially, it made me look like I was flirting with both of them, with them both knowing about it. I read back, and I should have been far more reserved and patient about the whole matter, gone back to square one and worked out why I liked them both.

Maybe there's a hint of polyamorosity in me. I don't know, it doesn't seem far-fetched to me, but it's a strange one to understand entirely, until you're in that situation.

For a few months it seemed set that I'd visit them both around Christmas. I felt that was a good way to work out feelings, to just visit them both as a friend and see what happened. In a way, I'm glad it didn't turn out like that because if I'd become more than friendly with one of them on the first trip, it would have screwed up the other trip; made it an anticlimax.

I also used the word angle way too often.
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